That Damn Freckle... PART II

August 1st I proudly celebrated my 3-year "cancer-versary"... 3 years since melanoma entered my life, 3 years since my surgery & 3 years of being cancer-free! I've been waiting for the right time to tell you PART II of my story... well, it's time.

Cancer changes you... PERIOD.

Post-surgery: My body was clear of any cancer, so I was "ok"... right? I could just go back to my life like nothing happened... right? Everyone congratulated me & simply moved on with their lives. Meanwhile I was stuck in a dark, lonely, unfamiliar place. At age 30, I was already a statistic... I had had cancer. Where did that put me in the scheme of the world? Was I supposed to feel normal now? And, what the hell is normal after cancer anyway?

Was I a victim or just unlucky? I didn't have to go through chemo or radiation because it was stage 1 cancer, so I didn't feel "worthy" of people's pity. But, I had still received a cancer diagnosis & I still had to live with the fact that there was a 1 in 20 chance that damn freckle could pop up again in the same place, or worse, internally... so I did feel i was entitled to a sense of "why me?"

Would I live in the dark the rest of my life? I lived in sunny San Diego & suddenly I couldn't just enjoy the sun like everyone else. I was pissed off & paranoid. Why can't I layout at the beach? How much sun is too much? Will I be pale forever? As vain as it sounds, I didn't realize how much those beloved tan lines were a part of my everyday life & my self esteem until that option was taken away from me.

Over the last 3 years, however, I've been coming to terms with all this & I have found ways to shed a positive light on my cancer experience. I've discovered & immersed myself in amazing organizations like American Cancer Society Relay for Life, Stupid Cancer & mAsskickers Foundation (the brains behind this blog). I've had the honor of meeting the most kickass group of young Survivors & cancer advocates & I have gained so much perspective & inspiration from their friendships... you guys know who you are!!

I've allowed myself to heal not only physically, but emotionally as well. I realized that what I went through was worthy of all the anger, fear & sadness that followed. I no longer feel the need to downplay the fact that I had stage 1 cancer & I've found strength in knowing that I beat it! I feel united with anyone who's ever heard the words "you have cancer" & I have made it my personal mission to stand by them, support them & honor them in every way I possibly can. And, most importantly, I have embraced the fact that thanks to that damn freckle I AM A SURVIVOR & I am damn proud of it!!

Cancer changed me... PERIOD.

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"That Damn Freckle... PART I" - July 13, 2011

It's hard for me to simplify the last 3 years of my life... so, if you're reading this I sincerely appreciate your willingness to hear PART I of my story. It was the Summer of 2008 & I had been happily living & working in San Diego for almost 2 years. Life was good... That June, my mom noticed something on my left calf when my parents were visiting me in San Diego for the US Open. From across the room she saw that damn freckle & asked me how long it had been there... I told her I'd seen it when I was shaving my legs but hadn't really thought anything of it. I mean, I knew the danger signs & it didn't match up to any of them... it wasn't asymmetrical, raised, large in diameter, bleeding, etc, etc. In fact, the only thing that made that damn freckle different from the hundreds of other freckles on my body was that it was black... all my other freckles were various shades of brown. But, for some reason that damn freckle gave my mom a bad feeling -- & my mom doesn't freak out about anything -- so I promised her I'd get it looked at as soon as I could. So, on Friday, July 11, after a carefree, sun-filled vacation with my ex-boyfriend, I went to see my primary care physician for the first time. Lucky for me he was not only very cool but also very thorough... AND, I had great health insurance. I showed him that damn freckle & nervously laughed as I told him the story of my mom's worrysome discovery. Based on the lack of danger signs, he too thought it was nothing of concern. But -- & I'm thankful everyday for this but -- he said, "If it'll make your mom feel better, I can biopsy it." So, he shaved that damn freckle right off, put a band-aid on my leg & sent me on my way. I had a happy hour to go to after all... & that band-aid wasn't going to stop me! A week & a half went by & still no word from the doctor... they always say "no news is good news" but something just didn't seem right. Finally, on Wednesday, 7/23, I got a call from the nurse on my way home from work... "The doctor would like you to come in ASAP so he can review your biopsy results with you." I knew that was a bad sign. I started to panic & begged her to tell me what was going on. Why did they need me to come in? Should I be worried? Why couldn't she just tell me everything was ok? After insisting she couldn't tell me over the phone, she put me on hold. I guess she got the doc's permission to tell me because when she came back on the line she said the 3 words that would haunt me til this day... "IT'S A MELANOMA." The next week was a total blur... breaking the news to my family, lots of crying, scheduling my first oncologist appointment, shame, emotional phone calls with family & friends, internet research, anger, a likely stage I diagnosis, sleepless nights, denial & complete & utter confusion. How can I have cancer? What does this all mean? How bad is it? Does stage I mean I shouldn't be worried? Aren't I too young for this? Is it my fault? What's the oncologist going to say? Does cancer automatically mean chemo? Will I be allowed to be in the sun again? What if it spreads? Am I going to die? My imagination filled my mind & heart with fear that took me on an emotional rollercoaster I couldn't have prepared myself for no matter how hard I tried. Friday, August 1 was my surgery... the oncologist cut a chunk out of my leg, both around & under where that damn freckle had once been, just to make sure the surrounding tissue was clear. Fortunately there was no pain... I would just be left with a dent in my leg & a lovely scar. After a very long week of waiting for results, we were given good news: CLEAR MARGINS. It was confirmed as stage I melanoma, the cancer cells hadn't spread internally & my lymph nodes were all healthy. I was physically "cancer free"... Little did I know that emotionally the cancer would stick with me for the next 3 years...Stay tuned for PART II...

Top 10 Positive's of "That Damn Freckle"

It's amazing how a cancer diagnosis changes you... regardless of the outcome, it changes you. Now that I've shared the tough part of my cancer story, it's time to change my tune & focus on the good that's come from this crazy journey. Here are the top 10 positive's "That Damn Freckle" has brought to my life:

10) KNOWLEDGE... Cancer has opened my mind to learning. I have gained so much valuable knowledge since my diagnosis, not just about cancer but about coping, prevention, awareness, supporting, fundraising, research, networking, etc. I read more, I pay attention more to the news & current events & I confidently initiate conversations about cancer-related topics with friends & strangers. I have also become more aware of my own body which I hope & pray will allow me to maintain a cancer-free life. I believe I am smarter because of cancer!

9) APPRECIATION... I've always been grateful for my family, my friends, my abilities, my experiences, etc. But, since my melanoma, I have taken on a whole new appreciation, not just for all those wonderful things but for my life as a whole. The saying "take time to smell the roses" really comes to life for me now... I appreciate the little things so much more & I appreciate how they've made me who I am. When I can see the beauty in the everyday things such as a smile or song lyrics, it makes me appreciate the big things like my amazing family & friends that much more!

8) PATIENCE... Patience is a virtue, or so the theory goes. We live in a world of instant gratification with texting, facebook, etc & we have come to expect instant results. With cancer, there is no such thing. Waiting for oncology lab results, waiting for your next doctor's appointment, waiting for your friend's next cancer update... all of this waiting tests your nerves, your mood & your patience. I have learned that no matter how much I wish for these things to be resolved quickly, it's out of my hands & I still have to live my life in the meantime. This has forced me to enjoy the now & develop more patience in my everyday life, which is definitely a virtue!

7) COMPASSION... compassion (n): a feeling of deep sympathy & sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. When I got my diagnosis, the compassion I received from family, friends & total strangers was immense... it made me feel loved, protected & hopeful. That compassion has continued over the last 3 years, as I have been supported in my personal efforts to remain cancer-free, to fight cancer & raise money for Relay for Life & to spread awareness & support in the cancer community. That compassion has also increased my ability to be compassionate. I am surrounded by people I care about who are going through their own cancer battles & my heart is even more open & supportive than it's ever been. Compassion spreads like wildfire... it feels awesome to give & receive it!

6) THE ABILITY TO INSPIRE... Sure, I always hoped I would make an impact on the world at some point in my life, but I never realized that I could. Recently I received one of the most heartfelt emails from a family friend. She heard my melanoma story from my mom & told family & friends... as a result, her husband & many others became more aware of their skin, had it checked & were able to catch their skin cancer early. She said, "Because of you & your Mom I know that there have been many "ripples" of outreach... friends & family telling friends & family... lots of people have ended up getting checked, & lives have been saved. You are a true inspiration and I thank you for all that you do!!" That's one of many messages like that I've received... to make an impact on people from simply telling my story is very humbling & very rewarding!

5) INSPIRATION... Receiving a cancer diagnosis stopped me in my tracks... it made me feel scared, helpless, angry & weak. Even after I was pronounced "ok" by the doctor I still had trouble moving forward. Fortunately, through the last 3 years of cancer experience I have reached out, met new friends, joined support groups & been lucky enough to be around some of the most inspiring people... ever. I have watched friends go through much more difficult cancer experiences than mine & still come out on top. I have seen them shed light on even the most incredibly negative situations. Their positive attitudes, undying determination & utter strength have inspired me to discover those qualities within myself. Being around them & even just thinking about them throughout my day makes me work harder, smile more & even run farther... I'm up to 6 miles now! It's amazing what all that positive energy can do!

4) RELAY FOR LIFE... August '10 was my 2-year cancer-versary & I wanted to "do something" to help the cause. Relay for Life would be one of the most life-changing experiences I'd ever have. I bonded with friends & met new friends, celebrated my cancer victory & gained a sense of where I fit into the cancer world. I met the friends that would become my fellow Committee members this year... I had the opportunity to be the 2011 Relay Committee Survivor Co-Chair & it was such an honor working closely with our 100+ Survivors to help make their Relay experience special & unique. I am also incredibly proud to say I was a top 10 fundraiser, raising over $1,900 & I led my team "SPF SHRINK!" to a top 10 finish, raising over $8,000! And, to top that off, our Relay raised over $241,000, making us #1 in Southern California out of 91 Relays & #16 in California out of 427 Relays!

3) NEW FRIENDS... If it wasn't for this journey, I wouldn't have met some of the most kickass people that I am now proud to call dear friends... Survivors, cancer fighters, advocates, supporters & volunteers. What's even more amazing is that some of them I've only met in the virtual cancer world of Facebook, yet I still feel a closeness to them that's indescribable! Through their continuous drive, spirit & dedication, this strong, brave, honest, generous, loving, inspiring group of people has motivated me to be a stronger, more positive person. Through their friendship, companionship & support they have given me a new perspective on life, love, friendship & hope that has changed not only how I think about cancer but also how I manage my own survivorship & fight back against the disease. These amazing friends have touched my life more than words can say & they will forever be in my heart... you guys know who you are!

2) PASSION... I always thought I had passion, for family, friends, art, music, sports & life in general. Cancer forced me to look inside myself & redefine the meaning of passion in my life. I still have passion for these things, but the last 3 years have made me realize that cancer is also my passion... sharing my story, bonding with fellow Survivors, raising money for cancer research, increasing awareness for cancer & cancer prevention, being an active member of cancer support groups like Stupid Cancer & mAss Kickers Foundation, volunteering for cancer charities like Relay for Life & last but not least, becoming part of a worldwide cancer community that is millions strong & fighting this fight together. This passion & self discovery has fueled a fire inside me that I didn't even know was there... I feel more alive now than ever & I am so excited to continue this momentum & see where it takes me!

1) I AM A SURVIVOR... Relay '10 was the first time I was ever referred to as a "Survivor"... wearing that SURVIVOR shirt among so many other Survivors was a very powerful feeling. I had always downplayed my experience because it was stage 1 cancer & I never had to have chemo or radiation like many of my friends. But, being celebrated as a Survivor & congratulated by total strangers made me realize I have something in common with everyone who's ever had cancer, a bond so special that it will connect me with these people for the rest of my life... regardless of our diagnosis, age, health or life story, we have all heard the words "You have cancer" at some point in our lives & it changed our lives & the lives of those we love forever. Cheers to all the Survivors out there... those whose fight is over, those who are still fighting & those whose fight has yet to begin. We are all Survivors. We share the same fears, the same hopes & the same spirit... we ARE in this fight together!!

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE SUPPORTED ME, INSPIRED ME, LISTENED TO ME, LAUGHED WITH ME, CRIED WITH ME & LOVED ME THROUGHOUT MY CANCER JOURNEY... Having you in my life helped make this Top 10 possible...... Mom, Dad, Steph, Scott, Maddie, Abby, Grandma, Jim, Aummie, Poppie, DeAnn, Steve, Jessica, Lauren, Julie, Cheryl, Dick, Angie, Kay, Mike, Patty, Erica, Liz, Grace, Melissa, Amy, Charissa, Ligaya, Jenn, Heather, Amanda, Kyle, Eric, Amanda, Kevin, Arilda, Kat, Michelle, Zac, Christine, Rachael, Amanda, Gary, Rachel, Becky, Patti, Rebecca, Kelsey, John, Catherine, Gayle, Kari, Chris, Jenise, Kara, Blake, Liz, Amy, Jered, Cheryl, Mo, Willow, Tari, Tracy, Jocelyn, Kat, Emily, Michelle, Sue, Cortney, Aly, Julia, Banda, Katy, Rick, Andrew, Chuck, Bonnie, Will, Kim, Jessica, Matty, Biggs, Jason, Mikey, Bran, Dave, Otis, Mark, Scott, Tony, Heather, Matthew, Kenny, Stacey, Stacy, Rachel, Amanda, Kate, Arun, Brad, Karina, Klarissa, David, Mary, Angie, Kirstie, Frankie, Clint, Kristen, Jamie, Lindsay, Marina, Emily, Kristy, Kim, Nick, Gary, Mark, Cass, Rob, Benjamin, John, Kristi, Kelsey, Josh, Christine, Megan, Jen, Rachel, Colleen, Jessica, Jackie, Jeffery, Pilar, Avelyn, Larry, Kimmy, Brandon, JB, Betty, Marnie, Anne, Kathy, Maureen, Sara, Stella, Dick, MaryAnn, Mike, Nancy, Ginny, Lisa, Cathy, Karen Lee, Carl, Lois, Jan, Billie, Sue, Tom, Mike, Kenny, Sharon & anyone else I may have missed!! XOXO